Readers,

There are celebrities whose passing affects us more deeply that most. A favorite singer, author or actor’s death can be hard. For me Anthony Bourdain’s suicide was deeply painful. I loved his irreverence and storytelling ability, his embrace of all people in different cultures, and I loved the spotlight he shone on the back of house restaurant business. Thinking about his death made me sad for his best friend, the one who found him, Eric Ripert. This is my letter to him, which he may never see, but putting it out in the universe is hopefully enough. 

Dear Eric,

Mon ami, you lost your best friend last week. Worse still, you were the one who found him. That experience can take a psychic toll, and you will process that day for a long time to come.

My beloved therapist so correctly informed me that pain needs a witness. It’s true. And pain cannot be stuffed inside, ignored, or brushed away like crumbs on a linen tablecloth. Deal with it or it will deal with you.

Yes, you will go through the many stages of grief, back and forth between them multiple times, and eventually come out the other side. It’s not as tidy as the books might make you think. In the meantime your grief will sneak up on you when you least expect it. A street corner can trigger it, so can a dish you ate together, a book, a phrase, or a look from a stranger. It won’t be denied, so I suggest you go with it, feel the feelings, rant, cry, do whatever is necessary. People will understand. And if they don’t? Too bad for them. This is your grief. And pain needs a witness.

You will reflect on whether you could have done anything differently, something that would have stopped him from leaving all of us. Don’t torture yourself; if not then, he’d have found another time. And I’m convinced that some beings, even though they seem to be able to navigate this world brilliantly, are bright stars that have only enough light for a finite period among us. Their stars will continue to blaze in our hearts and memories. And at some point that blaze will no longer burn you, but warm you as you think of him.

In the meantime forgive yourself any blame you’ve already laid. I can attest that it will eventually get better, regardless of what you are feeling right now.

And most of all, Eric, be kind to yourself.

Rest in peace, Tony Bourdain

Deborah

 

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